The Art of Speaking Up

36 | Exploring the fears that lie beneath excessive niceness and people pleasing

Do you ever find yourself being excessively nice or getting addicted to people pleasing in the workplace? If you answered yes, you are not alone. So many women struggle with adopting niceness and people please as a front to cover up and conceal our true feelings, opinions, and emotions. And this is an unfortunate thing, because when we conceal what we want to say and who we are, we can't bring our strongest and best selves to the workplace.

 

We may have a tendency to blame ourselves for falling into this pattern, but it's important to remind ourselves but this is a cultural condition that goes hand in hand with being a woman. Our society has trained us to be nice by causing us to be very afraid of what might happen if we are “mean.” Women are so easily labeled, alienated, and torn down for being “angry” or “crazy,” and this makes us afraid of what might happen if we express disagreement. We want to be liked so that we can avoid these cruel and unnecessary labels, and often we do this by leaning on niceness and people pleasing to ensure that we're protected from this very real threat.  

 

And what an unfortunate thing this is. Not only are we struggling to express what we truly want to express, we are also often getting down on ourselves for falling into people pleasing. Today's episode is all about accepting that this is NOT our fault, and beginning to take back our power.

 

One of the most effective ways to begin to unpack and dismantle excessive niceness is to understand what drives us to do it. In this episode I suggest a three-step method that anyone can follow to try to get down to the root cause of their niceness.

 

Step 1 is to begin to notice what specific situations cause your niceness or people-pleasing to flare up. Are there:

 

-Specific people

-Specific environments, or

-Specific types of interactions

 

that really trigger you and send you down a spiral of being excessively nice? Once you identify these situations, pick just one and move on to Step 2. Step 2 entails getting really quiet and asking yourself:

 

‘In this situation, what am I afraid of?’

 

Be very honest with yourself, and dig deeper and deeper until you get to the root cause. You will know that you have reached the root cause because it will trigger a strong feeling within you. When we are afraid of something, there is deep fear embedded in our minds and our bodies. When you explore your fears and you reflect upon what it is you're so afraid of, you will know when you have hit on the ‘thing.’ And once you know what it is, you can step back and reflect ask yourself if your fear is really true. You can also ask yourself if the fear belongs to you, or if you have adopted and picked it up from society. And then you get to decide if you want to carry this fear with you, or if you want to let it go and move on.

 

I hope that you enjoyed this week's episode, and be sure to let me know if you relate to this topic and if you tried the method that I suggested. As always, you can find me on Instagram at @theartofspeakingup or you can email me at Jessica@the artofspeakingup.com.

 

As always, thank you for listening!

35 | Winding career paths, not caring what other people think, showing up as a leader + more with Trina Martin

We're all trying to be more confident at work, which is why I love talking with women who exude an authentic sense of confidence and who fully embrace themselves and who they are. Today's guest, Trina Martin, has built an impressive career in STEM and in the Navy, pursuing her dreams and reaching her goals without a support system. In today's conversation I talk with Trina all about her key learnings from her career journey and we cover everything from how to walk into a room with confidence to what to do when you find yourself not knowing the answer to a question at work.

 

We also talk about the struggles of being who we are and accepting ourselves as women and why it can be hard to do so, especially in a professional environment.  Trina also chats about the importance of not caring what other people think about us and of owning who we are at work We also cover:

 

• Career regrets
• Trina’s experiences being the only woman of color in the room
• Her career in IT and becoming a naval officer
• Walking into a room with confidence
• What to do when you don’t know the answer
• The struggle of being yourself and accepting who you are (especially as a woman)
• How to speak up powerfully, persuasively, and confidently
• Not caring what other people think
• How to operate as a leader no matter your job title or position
• Turning 30, 40, 50, and caring less and less about what other people think
• Sitting at the back of the room
• Being a leader no matter your title
• Compassion / difficult coworkers
• Getting connected to your joy, and
• Speaking up when you have a better way to do something or something you want to share

 

If you are struggling to build confidence, find your voice at work, or you're just looking for some empowerment inspiration, today's episode pretty much runs the gamut!

 

Be sure to check out Trina's podcast Trina talk: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/trina-talk/id1437583147

 

As well as her website: https://www.trinamartin.com/

 

To submit a listener question to the show just reach out to me on Instagram at @theartofspeakingup

 

As always, thank you for listening and I can't wait to catch you again next week!

34 | Being confused at work doesn’t mean you’re dumb + why it’s ok to ask ‘stupid’ questions

Have you ever found yourself feeling confused at work, having no idea what the people around you are saying?

Does this make you feel uneasy or anxious?

If so, this episode is for you.  

It's actually totally normal not to know what is going on - and this episode will explain exactly why.

 

To get in touch, come find me at @theartofspeakingup on Instagram!

33 | What to do when your fears are getting in the way of showing up the way you truly want to with Jess Ratcliffe

If you discovered that you only had a decade left in your career, how might you begin to show up differently?

 

Perhaps you’d begin to speak up more at work, or set more ambitious career goals.  Or maybe you’d simply allow yourself to have more fun, take more risks, and be more adventurous.

 

Today’s guest had a moment in her career where a scary health diagnosis lead her to ask herself a scary question:

 

“Am I happy with the way things are going if I only had a decade left?”

 

Through this experience, she realized that she wasn’t showing up the way that she wanted to, and that fears and fear of judgment was holding her back.

 

She made a big shift in her career and her life, and as a result of this shift she now focuses on coaching professionals and helping them release their limiting beliefs and step into their full potential.

 

If you are feeling stuck, struggling to take risks, playing small, or fearing judgment or failure in your career or your job, this episode is for you.

 

As part of our exploration of what it means to release fear and let go of the fear of judgment, Jess is challenging the listeners to reach out to her and share your goals!

 

She will pick one winner who will receive a gift in exchange for their courage and bravery.

 

To complete Jess’s challenge, simply:

 

• Take some time to imagine your best self. List out all of the qualities your best self has
• Pick 1 quality on your list that you are most excited about, and think of 1 tiny next step you can do to move closer to it
• Email me (jessica@theartofspeakingup.com) and Jess (Jess@jessratcliffe.com) and tell us what your tiny step is
• Jess will pick 1 person who reached out and we’ll be sending them a gift as a reward for their bravery!

 

To get in touch with Jess, you can find her at jessratcliffe.com and on all socials at @jessratcliffe, and on her podcast which is titled Unleash Your Extraordinary with Jess Ratcliffe (https://anchor.fm/jess-ratcliffe)

 

As always, thank you for tuning in!

32 | Uncover your strengths and let them spill out into every element of your career

If you've ever wondered, "how do I uncover my strengths?" then today's episode is for you!

If you only ever focus on one thing in your career, let it be your strengths.  

Your strengths will get you farther than anything else, because they are truly the place where your natural born gifts intersect with your joy.  Once you learn what they are and begin to unleash them across your career, everything will begin to change.

In this episode, I explain how to go about uncovering your strengths, why this is so important, and how to incorporate them into your day-to-day.

Even if you think you're not good at anything at all, I can almost guarantee you that you're wrong.  Almost anything that you enjoy, whether it is inside or outside of work, is connected to a strength.

In today's episode, you'll learn all about how to uncover your strengths and how to unleash them in your career.

31 | The science behind visualization and how to use it to speak up at work (Bonus with Geeta Chaudhry)

In this week's bonus episode, Geeta explains why visualization works from a scientific perspective, and explains how we can use visualization to build confidence and speak up at work.  

30 | Get past the fear of not being ‘smart enough’ and tap into your innate capabilities with Geeta Chaudhry

When things get tough at work, we have a tendency to blame ourselves.  We may wonder whether we lack the talent to do things properly, or whether the struggle we’re running into is a result of our own lack of talent or intellect.

 

And unfortunately, when we go down this line of thinking, it can make these tough situations even tougher.  When we begin stressing about our own capabilities and tying our self-worth to the work that we’re doing, we make it difficult for our body to relax and rise to the occasion of the challenge that lies in front of us. 

 

Luckily, there are ways to get unstuck from this pattern, and today’s guest Geeta Chaudry tells us how.  Geeta coaches and guide some of the smartest engineers out there and helps them tackle very difficult algorithms and problems.  And in this episode she shares some of the techniques that she uses that can help us when we find ourselves feeling stuck or paralyzed by a difficult professional situation.  In this episode you will learn:

 

• Why we cause ourself to get stuck
• Why tying our self-worth to our work can be dangerous
• How to get unstuck when we’re hitting a wall
• How to handle ambiguity
• How to leverage the power of intention setting at work
• How to become a powerful problem solver
• And so much more!

 

You can find Geeta on linkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/geeta-chaudhry-a963411/

 

And please reach out to me on Instagram! 

@Theartofspeakingup

29 | Mentors, perfectionism, introvert-friendly networking, and feminine power with Asari Aniagolu

I loved this week’s conversation with Asari so much.  Asari is an attorney who opens up about how she’s built a successful career and remained authentic to her true personality at the same time.   

 

We talk about how mentorships and professional relationships are often at the core of a successful career, but more importantly, Asari explains why you don’t have to be super extraverted or even 100% confident to begin building and cultivating professional relationships.

 

Asari reflects on how she’s settled into her own way of working and being in the workplace, making her authentic qualities of introversion and inner reflectiveness work for her in the world of litigation, which is often anything but introverted and inwardly reflective.

 

We also talk about many topics that women frequently struggle with professionally, and Asari offers a perspective that shifts these struggles into positives.  She helped reframe common things we might view as ‘problems’ into things that are neutral or positive.  For example, she explains:

 

• How perfectionism can simply be an invitation for us to open up and let go
• How introversion isn’t a negative thing, just a character trait
• How an ‘unfun’ networking event can be viewed as a chance to make genuine connections
• How being quiet or reflective can make relationship building easier
• And so much more!

 

As always, thank you for tuning in, and send your listener questions to me on Instagram at @theartofspeakingup

28 | Why it’s so hard to say ‘no’ and how to create boundaries & stop people pleasing with Vicky S. Joseph

I know very few women who don’t struggle with saying ‘no’ – especially in a professional environment.  It’s often instinctual for us to want to say and do the right thing so that we can preserve our reputations, do good work, and make the people around us happy.

 

But when does the tendency to always say yes bring us farther away from our goals?  The more we say yes on autopilot, the more we risk frustration, burnout, and feeling like we’re not embodying our full authenticity by speaking and sharing our opinions truthfully.

 

Luckily, today’s guest has dedicated her ow career to helping women say ‘no.’  Once dubbed ‘quiet Vicky’ by her classmates, today’s guest was extremely shy as a child and eventually found her own courage and voice by delving into the world of acting.

 

Today’s guest, Vicky S. Joseph, is the founder of The Art of Expression. As a communication consultant and acting coach, she helps women who are *way too nice* communicate with confidence on stage, in personal and professional relationships. She has a Bachelor's in Psychology and a Master’s in Public Relations and Corporate Communications. Her specialties include: conflict resolution, effective communication, boundary setting, emotional assessments and assertiveness training.

 

In this episode, Vicky shares key advice, tips, and tactics to help us say no and explains why this can be so hard. 

 

We also run through common work scenarios that arise that can make it challenging to say no, and Vicky help us craft language we can use at work to get through these tricky situations.

 

You can find Vicky online and on social media:

 

Vickysjoseph.com

 

@Vickyallday (Twitter and Insta)

 

Vicky S. Joseph (Facebook)

 

Books mentioned by Vicky:

 

Codependent no more

No more Christian nice girl

Boundaries by Henry Cloud

 

To submit a listener question to the show, DM me on Instargam!  @theartofspeakingup

27 | My struggle with self-confidence and what I wish I had known sooner

Self-confidence can be one of the most important, and also one of the most elusive feelings that we pursue in our lives and our careers.  We all want to feel strong, powerful, and at ease each day in our jobs.  We’ve tried the power poses and the tips and tricks around building confidence, and while these confidence hacks might give us a temporary boost, we are often left back at square one, feeling like we haven’t made much progress.

 

So what’s missing here?  Why is it such a struggle to cultivate such a simple feeling?

 

Often, it’s because the guidance and advice that we receive around building self-confidence attempts to change us from the outside-in.  It tells us how to speak, how to work, and how to act.  We strive for an ideal that is outside of ourselves, and when we inevitably fail to meet this ideal, we find ourselves once again struggling. 

 

The key to building confidence is to build it from the inside-out.  For a moment, forget about who you think you’re supposed to be, how you think you’re supposed to act, dress, or speak.  Instead, turn inwards and connect with your truest authentic self, and build your confidence from the inside out. 

 

This sounds a little flighty and abstract, no?  I’ll make it more concrete for you by telling you exactly how you can connect with your true authentic essence.  You can do so simply by identifying what your values are. 

 

Your values are the things you care about most, the things that you hold dearest to your heart.  If you’re struggling to figure out what your values are, I find it to be much easier to start a sentence with the phrase “I care about…”  Here are some examples to get you started:

 

I care about being a force for positive and good

I care about respecting those around me and being respected

I care about making people feel included

I care about being honest and genuine

I care about helping those around me

I care about giving it my best shot, even if it’s difficult

I care about persevering through challenges

I care about being kind to myself and others

I care about learning

I care about growing

I care about teamwork

I care about integrity

I care about creativity and innovation

I care about connection

I care about being fair to everyone

I care about inspiring those around me

 

It’s best to pick the 1 or 2 values that you feel most strongly about.  You’ll know when you find them, because you’ll feel very strongly connected to them.  You may even notice physiological changes in your body. 

 

Once you know what your values are, lean on them to build confidence.  When a wave of self-doubt or uncertainty looms over you, come back to your values.  They are always available to lean on.  And ask yourself a simple question:

“How can I lean on my values to carry me through this?”

 

If your values are kindness, focus on how you can bring kindness into situations that really challenge your confidence.  This should be easy – leaning on your values is always natural, comfortable, and familiar because your values are core to who you really are.

 

Remember this:  anyone can grow and change, and you are worthy of feeling confident and feeling good.

 

Please feel free to reach out to me on Instagram - @theartofspeakingup – I love hearing from you!